May is a big birthday month for us so it is busy, expensive and fun. Very soon it will be Cheese' s turn and he will be 12. I cannot believe he is nearly a teenager. I bought him some new shoes the other day and they are almost big enough for me! How on earth can I have a child who is nearly as tall as me with huge feet? A child who goes to the park to meet his friends without me. A child with his own debit card! It is amazing how time flies with children.
People always tell you to cherish the early years but it wasn't that simple for me. I really, really wanted a baby but from the moment he arrived my body, mind and life were completely changed and although this happens to every new mum I really, really struggled. The tears came on day one and didn't stop. We went home on day 4 and I clearly remember sitting down at my kitchen table for dinner and properly breaking down. I was monstrously overwhelmed and couldn't believe what we had done. I loved him and was happy he had been born but oh my goodness I felt awful! And then I felt guilty. Mr Green was great, a natural father, and I was a mess. When I was left alone after paternity leave I had no idea what to do with this screaming bundle. I was incredibly isolated with no family around, my friends were all at work, I couldn't drive and the nearest bus stop was 20 minutes away with an hourly bus into town. I would find myself crying while he was crying. He wouldn't be put down, would only sleep on the breast and for the first few weeks feeding was agony. I used to find myself feeling 'locked in' - I would summon the courage to go for a walk but would find myself unable to go beyond the end of the lane. One day the health visitor arrived and found me crying inconsolably on the sofa. Generally she was pretty ineffective but she did put me in touch with a local mum who agreed to give me a lift to baby group and also invitef me for lunch. She was lovely but her baby was 'easy' and I don't think she understood my difficulties. I met another lovely lady at baby club who became a friend but again her baby was also 'easy'. I would marvel at the way her baby would sit in his bouncy chair gurgling away while I endlessly paced around with Cheese or fed him. Again. I honestly don't know how I got through those months. I felt lost and useless and exhausted. I also felt incredibly lonely.
When maternity leave ended I was sad and worried but once I was back at work and Cheese was at nursery I felt that actually the nursery staff could look after him far better than I could. He was the one child who cried when I picked him up. It became quite embarrassing. I didn't ever want Mr Green to do anything without me at weekends because I felt I couldn't cope alone. I didn't feel comfortable being alone with Cheese until he was at least 4, maybe 5. So no, I didn't cherish those early years. They sucked. And I regularly worry that our difficult start has / will have affected him. But here we are, birthday time again. And the years have not been without their troubles but I have a loving, intelligent, caring boy and I love him immensely. So I am living in the present and looking to the future. I hope he knows how loved and treasured he is. Life is for living and for learning and loving. So I will do my best to be the best mum I can and when his birthday comes we will celebrate heartily.
An interesting point to note is that when I started this post it was completely different in my head.It was to be a light hearted, brief post about family birthdays with no mention of pnd or struggles. I let it come though, as it seemed to be necessary. I hope maybe some of you reading may be encouraged or that it may help to provide understanding. I hope I haven't depressed anyone. But hey, if you're out there let me know. And take care x Happy birthday!
