Sleeping with the lights on

I should be asleep,  or at least trying to sleep instead of tapping away on my phone.  But it is tricky you see, as Mr Green is away with work.  I am lucky as he rarely has to go away, but it is very strange without him. We're a bit soppy and do like to be together (I do find it strange when I hear people moaning about their partners and actually relishing time apart). We go to bed at the same time as each other every night and I genuinely struggle to sleep without him. I think that apart from missing him I must have that heightened state of alertness that you have when it is just you in charge.  And I do tend to fret generally about whether doors are locked and gas rings turned off. I worry a lot so having nobody else to reassure me can be difficult. 

I have Wobble to keep me company and she is noisily chewing something under the bed! Sausage has already been up once and Apple was awake until ten. Small changes in routine can affect the children more than I expect sometimes and the absence of Mr Green from the house is a tangible feeling.  I am very much looking forward to having him back and hopefully tomorrow will run smoothly. I am feeling slightly queasy,  which I desperately hope is due to anxiety rather than the tummy bug that Sausage has just had! Looking after children and animals whilst unwell is not an easy task.

 

Once again I will look on the positive side and count my blessings rather than dwell on minor issues.  Hopefully I will get some sleep,  not be ill and manage to keep everyone fed, cared for, educated and happy until Mr Green returns. I fear I may be rambling now so I am sending positive,  happy,  supportive vibes to anyone out there with worries or struggles and wishing you all a good night! 

Back to my roots

Today I am embarking on a journey,  a physical and metaphorical one. I am leaving the bosom of my family for a couple of days to visit some special people in my life.  I have been meaning to do this journey for some time but it comes with very mixed feelings. 

I will miss Mr green and my incredible edibles (Cheese, Apple and Sausage) very much. And of course my furry woofhound. I am not used to being away from them and it feels very strange.  I know that Mr Green is ultra capable when it comes to childcare,  but since giving up work and spending so much time with them I feel it is me that is aware of their foibles, sensitivities and needs and me that can read their signs and plan ahead for their needs. It's me that understands the hideous monsters that are the clean and dirty washing piles. And me they want all the time. This is another good reason for me to go - I can feel swamped and suffocated and Mr Green can feel rejected.  The children adore their dad but if I'm around he often doesn't get a look in. So, we will miss each other (and I will very much miss Mr Green! ) but they will be fine and we can all have a good cuddle and catch up when I am back.

I am also excited to be seeing my lovely friend whom I have missed very much since moving.  She is someone I can be myself with and I can't wait to see her. I wrote recently about friendship in my post "let's be friends" and if you have read this you will understand how much this means to me.

And now for the tricky part. I am going to visit my dad. My dad who has lost himself to Alzheimer's disease. I don't want to visit him because it is so very painful seeing someone you love decline in such a cruel way. But I do want to see him because he is still my dad and I love him. He is in there somewhere. He doesn't know who I am anymore but I know who he is and I care. A lot. We have been through some tough times but he has done an awful lot for me over the years. If I didn't appreciate it at the time I certainly do now. And I am so glad that he and I resurrected our relationship before he became ill. I was able to tell him I loved him while he still knew what it meant and who I was. I was able to give him three grandchildren. So now when I see him I find myself thinking about the man he was before he was ill. Before he had children.  About the adventures he had and the challenges he overcame.  And I think about the love and care he has been given by my lovely step mum. We are both lucky to have her.

The final leg of my journey will be going back to my childhood home.  Back to where I grew up. The house carries some powerful memories and emotions for me and it has been several years since I stayed there.  I am looking forward to embracing the memories rather than fearing them, and looking forward to time with my step mum. 

Family is important.  Families can be odd, difficult,  annoying and hard work but they can be fun, comforting, helpful and a source of joy. It is easy to criticise people when you haven't been in their shoes. Parenting is one of those things. It's so easy to be hard on your parents but when you become one yourself you understand their struggles and understand that like you they are real people with their own needs, desires, dreams and worries. And you understand the enormity of the parenting role. So, why not be kind to ourselves and each other. Show our appreciation before it's too late. And spread the love :-) x

 

Birthday bonanza, not blues

May is a big birthday month for us so it is busy, expensive and fun. Very soon it will be Cheese' s turn and he will be 12. I cannot believe he is nearly a teenager. I bought him some new shoes the other day and they are almost big enough for me! How on earth can I have a child who is nearly as tall as me with huge feet? A child who goes to the park to meet his friends without me. A child with his own debit card! It is amazing how time flies with children.  

People always tell you to cherish the early years but it wasn't that simple for me. I really,  really wanted a baby but from the moment he arrived my body,  mind and life were completely changed and although this happens to every new mum I really,  really struggled. The tears came on day one and didn't stop. We went home on day 4 and I clearly remember sitting down at my kitchen table for dinner and properly breaking down. I was monstrously overwhelmed and couldn't believe what we had done. I loved him and was happy he had been born but oh my goodness I felt awful!  And then I felt guilty. Mr Green was great,  a natural father,  and I was a mess. When I was left alone after paternity leave I had no idea what to do with this screaming bundle. I was incredibly isolated with no family around,  my friends were all at work, I couldn't drive and the nearest bus stop was 20 minutes away with an hourly bus into town. I would find myself crying while he was crying.  He wouldn't be put down,  would only sleep on the breast and for the first few weeks feeding was agony. I used to find myself feeling 'locked in' - I would summon the courage to go for a walk but would find myself unable to go beyond the end of the lane.  One day the health visitor arrived and found me crying inconsolably on the sofa. Generally she was pretty ineffective but she did put me in touch with a local mum who agreed to give me a lift to baby group and also invitef me for lunch. She was lovely but her baby was 'easy' and I don't think she understood my difficulties.  I met another lovely lady at baby club who became a friend but again her baby was also 'easy'. I would marvel at the way her baby would sit in his bouncy chair gurgling away while I endlessly paced around with Cheese or fed him. Again.  I honestly don't know how I got through those months. I felt lost and useless and exhausted.  I also felt incredibly lonely.  

When maternity leave ended I was sad and worried but once I was back at work and Cheese was at nursery I felt that actually the nursery staff could look after him far better than I could.  He was the one child who cried when I picked him up. It became quite embarrassing. I didn't ever want Mr Green to do anything without me at weekends because I felt I couldn't cope alone. I didn't feel comfortable being alone with Cheese until he was at least 4, maybe 5. So no, I didn't cherish those early years.  They sucked.  And I regularly worry that our difficult start has / will have affected him. But here we are, birthday time again.  And the years have not been without their troubles but I have a loving,  intelligent, caring boy and I love him immensely.  So I am living in the present and looking to the future.  I hope he knows how loved and treasured he is. Life is for living and for learning and loving.  So I will do my best to be the best mum I can and when his birthday comes we will celebrate heartily. 

An interesting point to note is that when I started this post it was completely different in my head.It was to be a light hearted, brief post about family birthdays with no mention of pnd or struggles. I let it come though,  as it seemed to be necessary.  I hope maybe some of you reading may be encouraged or that it may help to provide understanding. I hope I haven't depressed anyone.  But hey, if you're out there let me know.  And take care x Happy birthday!