All the small things

I try my hardest to be a positive person: I count my blessings and try to model kindness.  I try to solve problems rather than dwell on them. I do struggle to maintain the positivity though, especially when I am tired and hormonal.  I desperately try to use positive parenting but feel very guilty when things go wrong and I shout, nag and become negative.  I try to keep my words kind but sometimes they are not. I want my children to know I love them and believe in them, but there are times when actually they are really annoying,  unkind and rude and I want to hide or run away!

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for more than half of my life (on and off) and can easily feel overwhelmed by challenges.  The challenges seem to be growing at the moment,  especially as we approach the teenage years at the same time as having a preschooler. There is a lot of fighting,  negativity and general bad feeling between the siblings.  This saddens and frustrates me. In order to prevent 'going under' I want to rekindle some good feelings. If I feel better myself I can be more positive around the kids and maybe some of it will rub off on them.  So here is a list of my top 5 warm fuzzy moments from the last week:

1.Whilst on a walk with Sausage he commented on how lovely it was going for a walk together. He stopped regularly to look at plants and insects and was sad when we found a dead bumble bee and this sparked a lovely conversation about bees and why we need to care for them..

2.The other morning Cheese came into my bed for a cuddle for the first time in several years and he has been particularly cuddly and has told me he loves me several times. 

3.Apple, on discovering that Sausage was poorly,  put him to bed, gave him a cuddle and offered to be his nurse.

4.Every time I made something new all the family were really kind,  positive and encouraging.

5.When I went for a blood test Apple and Sausage were both worried that I would be hurt and after reassuring them they were still really kind and Sausage held the tubes for the nurse and was really interested. 

There are lots of other good moments and Mr Green has been lovely as ever. I still really appreciate the fact that I live in a beautiful part of the world and can reach fields,  hills and beaches by walking for a few minutes from the house.  I get to see a huge range of flowers,  plants,  butterflies and wildlife every day.

 

 

I really, really want to try and encourage the children to be kinder to each other and to others. I know all siblings argue but I really find it sad when I see how negative and unkind they can be. I want them to have happy, supportive relationships. After reading this post we are going to start a family 'kind club'. Our first mission is to write letters and draw pictures to send to friends and family members we feel we have neglected recently.

We are going to make positive place mats - each of us writes our names and draws a self portrait then hands the paper to each family member in turn. Everybody writes down something good about each person so they end up with positive statements about themselves from all family members.  These can be laminated and used as place mats.

I would love to hear how you find ways to nurture positivity and promote harmony in your families. I'll let you know how we get on.

Back to my roots

Today I am embarking on a journey,  a physical and metaphorical one. I am leaving the bosom of my family for a couple of days to visit some special people in my life.  I have been meaning to do this journey for some time but it comes with very mixed feelings. 

I will miss Mr green and my incredible edibles (Cheese, Apple and Sausage) very much. And of course my furry woofhound. I am not used to being away from them and it feels very strange.  I know that Mr Green is ultra capable when it comes to childcare,  but since giving up work and spending so much time with them I feel it is me that is aware of their foibles, sensitivities and needs and me that can read their signs and plan ahead for their needs. It's me that understands the hideous monsters that are the clean and dirty washing piles. And me they want all the time. This is another good reason for me to go - I can feel swamped and suffocated and Mr Green can feel rejected.  The children adore their dad but if I'm around he often doesn't get a look in. So, we will miss each other (and I will very much miss Mr Green! ) but they will be fine and we can all have a good cuddle and catch up when I am back.

I am also excited to be seeing my lovely friend whom I have missed very much since moving.  She is someone I can be myself with and I can't wait to see her. I wrote recently about friendship in my post "let's be friends" and if you have read this you will understand how much this means to me.

And now for the tricky part. I am going to visit my dad. My dad who has lost himself to Alzheimer's disease. I don't want to visit him because it is so very painful seeing someone you love decline in such a cruel way. But I do want to see him because he is still my dad and I love him. He is in there somewhere. He doesn't know who I am anymore but I know who he is and I care. A lot. We have been through some tough times but he has done an awful lot for me over the years. If I didn't appreciate it at the time I certainly do now. And I am so glad that he and I resurrected our relationship before he became ill. I was able to tell him I loved him while he still knew what it meant and who I was. I was able to give him three grandchildren. So now when I see him I find myself thinking about the man he was before he was ill. Before he had children.  About the adventures he had and the challenges he overcame.  And I think about the love and care he has been given by my lovely step mum. We are both lucky to have her.

The final leg of my journey will be going back to my childhood home.  Back to where I grew up. The house carries some powerful memories and emotions for me and it has been several years since I stayed there.  I am looking forward to embracing the memories rather than fearing them, and looking forward to time with my step mum. 

Family is important.  Families can be odd, difficult,  annoying and hard work but they can be fun, comforting, helpful and a source of joy. It is easy to criticise people when you haven't been in their shoes. Parenting is one of those things. It's so easy to be hard on your parents but when you become one yourself you understand their struggles and understand that like you they are real people with their own needs, desires, dreams and worries. And you understand the enormity of the parenting role. So, why not be kind to ourselves and each other. Show our appreciation before it's too late. And spread the love :-) x

 

Let's be friends

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?  I know it can be hard for children too, but generally things get harder once you leave education.  It doesn't help if you lack confidence or have anxiety issues. Some people say it's easier when you have children as you have a route into conversation and at least one thing in common.  If conversation dries up you can always bring up topics such as sleep,  eating,  bowel and bladder functions or school / nursery places and quality.  But I think it is still tricky and complicated by the fact that either you or your potential friend has to run off every couple of minutes to wipe a nose / bottom / item of furniture,  push a swing,  solve an argument or dry tears. When your child is hitting,  blowing raspberries, being rude and / or not taking turns the stress levels can reach new heights. The internal panicky self talk doesn't help as you desperately try to recall the correct positive but firm phrase that will effectively guide your child towards the right course of action.  what kind of judgement is your now slightly less potential friend making about your strength of character, parenting skills and moral fibre? What do they think of your child?  And why is their child so bloomin well behaved? So many times I have scuttled away after hastily making excuses and dragging Sausage away from the situation.  

I don't know what it is that helps you get past those first few awkward encounters and really get to know someone well enough to call them a friend.  To know that they 'get' you and you can let down your guard.  I have never had lots of friends but really value those I have. Since moving I have met several nice people but there is nobody I can yet really relax with. I miss those easy conversations and exchange of gossip, advice  and ideas. I miss the company of women in general and I miss my mum. 

So, who is out there reading this?  Do you struggle with friendships? Does anybody have any advice?  I think as mums we especially need to be understanding and kind to each other. We need to be more forthcoming and honest.  And we probably need to leave the kids with a significant other from time to time so we can bond over a child free cuppa or glass of wine!  

Smile and the world smiles with you..

I still seem to be grumpy today,  partly due to cabin fever with a house full of fluey children and partly due to sleep deprivation,  as well as the January slump. I have lost my mojo and extreme inertia has set in. But, slowly throughout the day my energy levels have increased, I have dispensed calpol and cuddles and improved the state of the house along with Mr Green.  Despite being a bit scared of the dark I took the dog out so Mr Green didn't have to. I started thinking about my January strategy and life in general. I am saddened every day by the bad things that happen in the world. I am always counting my blessings and appreciate my lot in life. I would like to do more to help others,  but don't always know what I can do. But I always try to be kind and compassionate. Although it is a small thing, I always try to smile at people and be polite and courteous.  I teach my children these values too. I am far from perfect but feel so much better about the world when I know I have done my best. When I have smiled at people in the street,  offered my assistance to those who may need it, thanked the shop assistant, sent a friend a good luck message.  Maybe if everyone smiled more and were a little less selfish there would be fewer bad things happening.  Smile,  give, hug, help, forgive, live. Make the most of the life you get and take opportunities.  Get off your bum and do something useful ;-).