Don't you forget about me

Dear Muddy Bootsters,

 

I am writing to apologise for my severe lack of posting over the past month or so. I know there are no real excuses and, yes, having a blog is a big responsibility which should not be taken on lightly.

 

So what can I say? I have been busy with the day job, with developing my online craft business, with looking after the incredible edibles over the summer holidays, and, sadly, I have had an unexpected bereavement. At present I don't want to write about the sad things, but they are there as a constant, affecting my thoughts, dreams and actions.

 

There is so much going on in my life at the moment and I do find writing therapeutic but I cannot currently seem to find the time. However...next week my lovely little Sausage will start school (a rather exciting but heart-wrenching time) and I will find myself, very temporarily, with a few more windows of time. So I will, I hope, be able to catch you up on some of my happenings and musings and get back into the swing of writing.

 

 

 

In the meantime, I would love to hear from any readers that may still be hanging on in there in the blogosphere. What have you been up to over summer? Do you have any goals or dreams at the moment? Do you have a child just about to start / just started school? Just a friendly 'hello' would be lovely ;-).

 

 

 

Yours apologetically,

 

Green x

Brown paper packages tied up with string...

It seems to be party season for the children at the moment, with a party each to go to for the next few weekends. This is lovely for them but with it comes the inevitable gift giving.

 

I love presents and genuinely love the feeling of giving somebody a gift. I also enjoy receiving presents - who doesn't? But...I tend to suffer from 'present angst', in that I so desperately wants to give a present that is just right that I sometimes end up not giving one at all. Then I feel terrible. But, that is another story. For now we are dealing with birthday gifts for children we barely know.

 

There are several issues for me and one is of consumerism. If my child is attending a party with between ten and thirty children then the party boy / girl will be receiving presents from ten to thirty children, as well as from parents, grandparents etc. The thought of that big pile of 'stuff', half of which may not be wanted, fills me with horror. I would never turn up empty handed but our gifts of choice tend to be books, partly because we are a family of book lovers and want to share the joy, and partly because it is usually appreciated and used or at least re-gifted. If we know the child well we will buy something relevant for them that we know or hope they will like. My children have only ever had small parties but even so the pile of gifts has seemed huge.

 

The next issue is financial. We are not well off and like many families we sometimes struggle to make ends meet. We don't want to disappoint the children by saying they can't go to a party but when the expectation is to turn up with a proper present, gift wrapped with a card it can be tricky. There have been times (now) when we are counting the days until payday so we can go food shopping, so to buy a present involves spending on the credit card. This ultimately makes things worse. So, do you turn up with nothing, buy on the credit card or... take something homemade?

 

The issue of homemade or even second hand presents is a tricky one. The word homemade is often synonymous with substandard, undesirable, even shoddy. It doesn't have to be that way though. Even if you are not a 'maker' there are things that can be made, repurposed or re-gifted. It still feels difficult or even slightly shameful though, but why? I make things that people are willing to pay money for, but I still feel a but awkward about giving homemade presents! There are prejudices, snobbery and the idea that people will think you are cheap. Also, just because some people like what you make it doesn't mean everyone will. As for second hand presents, I personally don't see a problem with this if the gift is something that you think the recipient will love. But what would you think if you opened a gift that was obviously second hand? There have been some positive developments in gift giving with the popularisation of charitable donations and poverty busting gifts such as those available through Oxfam. (other charities do this too).

 

There is a lot of emotion tied up with gift giving. I can remember feeling physically sick one Christmas when a scary relative gave me a nasty brown jumper and I could not say thank you. My mum was great at knowing what I would like, but again I felt a gut-wrenching sadness on a couple of rare occasions that she have me completely inappropriate presents. Maybe that's partly why I agonise so much about what to give people.

 

It can't just be me that has this problem, and I am sure parents everywhere struggle with birthdays. It would be great if we could all work together to change the focus of gift giving. Here are just a few of my ideas for non purchased gifts (there are loads online so I won't go on forever).

 

Homemade foodie gifts such as fudge, cookies, chocolate bark wrapped in cellophane or little treat bags. Penny sweets in a pretty/ decorated jar.

 

A simple notebook covered in pretty fabric or paper and a pencil decorated with washi tape, tied together with ribbon.

 

A favourite book of yours that you think the recipient would love, with a handwritten note attached.

 

Handwritten or printed vouchers for e.g. babysitting, cooked meals, cleaning, playdate or other 'services'.

 

Framed drawings / photos.

 

The most important thing is that the gift is given with love and not just for the sake of it. Obviously it's a bit different for Children's birthday party gifts but if your child knows them well enough then with a bit of thought you should be able to come up with something together that their friend might like. How about your child writing a poem or story about their friend and framing it? Or any of the above ideas would work if relevant and tailored to the child.

 

On a final note, we are going to a party tomorrow for a little girl we barely know. Will I be 'brave' and give her something homemade, or will I rush out and use the credit card? What would you do?

 

 

All the small things

I try my hardest to be a positive person: I count my blessings and try to model kindness.  I try to solve problems rather than dwell on them. I do struggle to maintain the positivity though, especially when I am tired and hormonal.  I desperately try to use positive parenting but feel very guilty when things go wrong and I shout, nag and become negative.  I try to keep my words kind but sometimes they are not. I want my children to know I love them and believe in them, but there are times when actually they are really annoying,  unkind and rude and I want to hide or run away!

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for more than half of my life (on and off) and can easily feel overwhelmed by challenges.  The challenges seem to be growing at the moment,  especially as we approach the teenage years at the same time as having a preschooler. There is a lot of fighting,  negativity and general bad feeling between the siblings.  This saddens and frustrates me. In order to prevent 'going under' I want to rekindle some good feelings. If I feel better myself I can be more positive around the kids and maybe some of it will rub off on them.  So here is a list of my top 5 warm fuzzy moments from the last week:

1.Whilst on a walk with Sausage he commented on how lovely it was going for a walk together. He stopped regularly to look at plants and insects and was sad when we found a dead bumble bee and this sparked a lovely conversation about bees and why we need to care for them..

2.The other morning Cheese came into my bed for a cuddle for the first time in several years and he has been particularly cuddly and has told me he loves me several times. 

3.Apple, on discovering that Sausage was poorly,  put him to bed, gave him a cuddle and offered to be his nurse.

4.Every time I made something new all the family were really kind,  positive and encouraging.

5.When I went for a blood test Apple and Sausage were both worried that I would be hurt and after reassuring them they were still really kind and Sausage held the tubes for the nurse and was really interested. 

There are lots of other good moments and Mr Green has been lovely as ever. I still really appreciate the fact that I live in a beautiful part of the world and can reach fields,  hills and beaches by walking for a few minutes from the house.  I get to see a huge range of flowers,  plants,  butterflies and wildlife every day.

 

 

I really, really want to try and encourage the children to be kinder to each other and to others. I know all siblings argue but I really find it sad when I see how negative and unkind they can be. I want them to have happy, supportive relationships. After reading this post we are going to start a family 'kind club'. Our first mission is to write letters and draw pictures to send to friends and family members we feel we have neglected recently.

We are going to make positive place mats - each of us writes our names and draws a self portrait then hands the paper to each family member in turn. Everybody writes down something good about each person so they end up with positive statements about themselves from all family members.  These can be laminated and used as place mats.

I would love to hear how you find ways to nurture positivity and promote harmony in your families. I'll let you know how we get on.

Sleeping with the lights on

I should be asleep,  or at least trying to sleep instead of tapping away on my phone.  But it is tricky you see, as Mr Green is away with work.  I am lucky as he rarely has to go away, but it is very strange without him. We're a bit soppy and do like to be together (I do find it strange when I hear people moaning about their partners and actually relishing time apart). We go to bed at the same time as each other every night and I genuinely struggle to sleep without him. I think that apart from missing him I must have that heightened state of alertness that you have when it is just you in charge.  And I do tend to fret generally about whether doors are locked and gas rings turned off. I worry a lot so having nobody else to reassure me can be difficult. 

I have Wobble to keep me company and she is noisily chewing something under the bed! Sausage has already been up once and Apple was awake until ten. Small changes in routine can affect the children more than I expect sometimes and the absence of Mr Green from the house is a tangible feeling.  I am very much looking forward to having him back and hopefully tomorrow will run smoothly. I am feeling slightly queasy,  which I desperately hope is due to anxiety rather than the tummy bug that Sausage has just had! Looking after children and animals whilst unwell is not an easy task.

 

Once again I will look on the positive side and count my blessings rather than dwell on minor issues.  Hopefully I will get some sleep,  not be ill and manage to keep everyone fed, cared for, educated and happy until Mr Green returns. I fear I may be rambling now so I am sending positive,  happy,  supportive vibes to anyone out there with worries or struggles and wishing you all a good night! 

Running to stand still

I am busy! It has been over a week since my last post and I have things I should be doing right now instead of writing this.  It feels strange however not to write now I have become used to regularly airing my thoughts to the world (or the small corner of it that reads my blog).  When I first started blogging I was always nervous about hitting the publish button and it has taken a while to find my voice.  I am still a newbie and have a lot to learn but it feels more natural now.

I have had lots of drains on my time recently which have prevented me from writing.  I am always busy but can usually carve out little pockets of time to write.  The last couple of weeks have been pretty hectic however.  I have been away (see this post ) which was fun but also quite emotional. It has taken time to process my reaction to the visit - more on that soon. On my return I had to catch up with all the things I hadn't been around to do (although Mr Green did a great job while I was away). Since then I have had a poorly Apple home from school,  which was tricky because it coincided with Sausage's non nursery days and we had to contend with being stuck in the house for three days solid. Needless to say we all went a bit stir-crazy! Thankfully Apple is now better but Sausage is unwell. Oh the joys of sibling virus sharing!

On a productive note, I have a job! I am currently 'between careers' and trying to really think carefully what I might want to do when Sausage starts school.  Idle pondering does not pay the bills though so I have found a local part time job that fits into nursery days.  It will be busy and at times hectic as the job is a tearoom supervisor and we live by the sea! It is far removed from my previous career jobs but it is only a temporary measure to bring in some pennies.  Hopefully I will feel more useful and start to meet more people. I have already been asked to contribute some recipes to the menu so I will post some on here soon too.  I will continue to create things and attend craft fairs and hopefully improve my skills. I still feel tempted to pop back into education for a while too...

I have been busy preparing for a recent craft fair which I attended but didn't sell much. I am inspired to continue though having received some lovely feedback and some bespoke orders. I can be so self critical and really struggle to believe that I have any talents,  but when people want to buy my work it gives me a spark of hope that maybe my work is desirable.  Maybe my little hobby could turn into something more. I recently read a blog post that highlighted the battle between having big dreams and the regular bouts of self doubt. I will try to maintain a positive outlook.

Among all these things are the mundane realities of laundry,  cleaning, cooking,  admin, dog walking etc. And these jobs mount and grow when you add children into the mix. So, I started this post feeling that I was on a constant treadmill or running around aimlessly,  trying so hard to do everything that nothing was getting done. Clearly I was mistaken as reading through I see I have achieved things and will keep marching on. I must now return to my domestic drudgery after attending my poorly boy who is stirring from slumber.  In the meantime,  why not let me know what's going on in your lives x

Back to my roots

Today I am embarking on a journey,  a physical and metaphorical one. I am leaving the bosom of my family for a couple of days to visit some special people in my life.  I have been meaning to do this journey for some time but it comes with very mixed feelings. 

I will miss Mr green and my incredible edibles (Cheese, Apple and Sausage) very much. And of course my furry woofhound. I am not used to being away from them and it feels very strange.  I know that Mr Green is ultra capable when it comes to childcare,  but since giving up work and spending so much time with them I feel it is me that is aware of their foibles, sensitivities and needs and me that can read their signs and plan ahead for their needs. It's me that understands the hideous monsters that are the clean and dirty washing piles. And me they want all the time. This is another good reason for me to go - I can feel swamped and suffocated and Mr Green can feel rejected.  The children adore their dad but if I'm around he often doesn't get a look in. So, we will miss each other (and I will very much miss Mr Green! ) but they will be fine and we can all have a good cuddle and catch up when I am back.

I am also excited to be seeing my lovely friend whom I have missed very much since moving.  She is someone I can be myself with and I can't wait to see her. I wrote recently about friendship in my post "let's be friends" and if you have read this you will understand how much this means to me.

And now for the tricky part. I am going to visit my dad. My dad who has lost himself to Alzheimer's disease. I don't want to visit him because it is so very painful seeing someone you love decline in such a cruel way. But I do want to see him because he is still my dad and I love him. He is in there somewhere. He doesn't know who I am anymore but I know who he is and I care. A lot. We have been through some tough times but he has done an awful lot for me over the years. If I didn't appreciate it at the time I certainly do now. And I am so glad that he and I resurrected our relationship before he became ill. I was able to tell him I loved him while he still knew what it meant and who I was. I was able to give him three grandchildren. So now when I see him I find myself thinking about the man he was before he was ill. Before he had children.  About the adventures he had and the challenges he overcame.  And I think about the love and care he has been given by my lovely step mum. We are both lucky to have her.

The final leg of my journey will be going back to my childhood home.  Back to where I grew up. The house carries some powerful memories and emotions for me and it has been several years since I stayed there.  I am looking forward to embracing the memories rather than fearing them, and looking forward to time with my step mum. 

Family is important.  Families can be odd, difficult,  annoying and hard work but they can be fun, comforting, helpful and a source of joy. It is easy to criticise people when you haven't been in their shoes. Parenting is one of those things. It's so easy to be hard on your parents but when you become one yourself you understand their struggles and understand that like you they are real people with their own needs, desires, dreams and worries. And you understand the enormity of the parenting role. So, why not be kind to ourselves and each other. Show our appreciation before it's too late. And spread the love :-) x

 

Birthday bonanza, not blues

May is a big birthday month for us so it is busy, expensive and fun. Very soon it will be Cheese' s turn and he will be 12. I cannot believe he is nearly a teenager. I bought him some new shoes the other day and they are almost big enough for me! How on earth can I have a child who is nearly as tall as me with huge feet? A child who goes to the park to meet his friends without me. A child with his own debit card! It is amazing how time flies with children.  

People always tell you to cherish the early years but it wasn't that simple for me. I really,  really wanted a baby but from the moment he arrived my body,  mind and life were completely changed and although this happens to every new mum I really,  really struggled. The tears came on day one and didn't stop. We went home on day 4 and I clearly remember sitting down at my kitchen table for dinner and properly breaking down. I was monstrously overwhelmed and couldn't believe what we had done. I loved him and was happy he had been born but oh my goodness I felt awful!  And then I felt guilty. Mr Green was great,  a natural father,  and I was a mess. When I was left alone after paternity leave I had no idea what to do with this screaming bundle. I was incredibly isolated with no family around,  my friends were all at work, I couldn't drive and the nearest bus stop was 20 minutes away with an hourly bus into town. I would find myself crying while he was crying.  He wouldn't be put down,  would only sleep on the breast and for the first few weeks feeding was agony. I used to find myself feeling 'locked in' - I would summon the courage to go for a walk but would find myself unable to go beyond the end of the lane.  One day the health visitor arrived and found me crying inconsolably on the sofa. Generally she was pretty ineffective but she did put me in touch with a local mum who agreed to give me a lift to baby group and also invitef me for lunch. She was lovely but her baby was 'easy' and I don't think she understood my difficulties.  I met another lovely lady at baby club who became a friend but again her baby was also 'easy'. I would marvel at the way her baby would sit in his bouncy chair gurgling away while I endlessly paced around with Cheese or fed him. Again.  I honestly don't know how I got through those months. I felt lost and useless and exhausted.  I also felt incredibly lonely.  

When maternity leave ended I was sad and worried but once I was back at work and Cheese was at nursery I felt that actually the nursery staff could look after him far better than I could.  He was the one child who cried when I picked him up. It became quite embarrassing. I didn't ever want Mr Green to do anything without me at weekends because I felt I couldn't cope alone. I didn't feel comfortable being alone with Cheese until he was at least 4, maybe 5. So no, I didn't cherish those early years.  They sucked.  And I regularly worry that our difficult start has / will have affected him. But here we are, birthday time again.  And the years have not been without their troubles but I have a loving,  intelligent, caring boy and I love him immensely.  So I am living in the present and looking to the future.  I hope he knows how loved and treasured he is. Life is for living and for learning and loving.  So I will do my best to be the best mum I can and when his birthday comes we will celebrate heartily. 

An interesting point to note is that when I started this post it was completely different in my head.It was to be a light hearted, brief post about family birthdays with no mention of pnd or struggles. I let it come though,  as it seemed to be necessary.  I hope maybe some of you reading may be encouraged or that it may help to provide understanding. I hope I haven't depressed anyone.  But hey, if you're out there let me know.  And take care x Happy birthday! 

Brothers, babies, burgers and baking

It's been a while since my last post. It feels like forever. It has taken several attempts to find time to complete the post. Apple is finally in school,  hooray!  Not the local one but a very good one and she seems happy.  We're just waiting to hear whether she gets a place on the school bus - fingers crossed. Sausage seems happy to have his 'mummy days' (just the two of us) back and we are slowly settling into the rhythm of a new routine. We particularly enjoy it when the days involve café trips with cake but these are expanding my waistline and depleting my bank balance so will have to be limited!

I had the great pleasure of a visit from lovely brother a couple of weeks ago. We hadn't seen each other since Christmas so it was great to catch up. We had an evening of pizza and wine with Mr Green then the next day deposited the children at their various establishments before heading to the beach with Wobble. We walked and talked among the rock pools and waves,  putting the world to rights and discussing our own dilemmas. One of the topics for discussion was parenthood. Lovely brother is used to a lot of freedom.  Now he is in a healthy, long term relationship he is pondering the prospect of bringing a child into the world. He is a fantastic uncle and his niece and nephews adore him but would he make a good father?  Could he cope with the permanent momentous change in his usually predictable life? As introverts we both struggle with noise, decisions, assertiveness, and need moments of peace and solitude.  We both need lots of sleep. I cope because I am mum to children who need me to cope and need me to be there; because I love my children beyond measure and because I have a fantastic husband who supports and loves me and knows my needs. I love watching the children grow, change and develop and love being there for them when they need me. But there are times when it is completely overwhelming, I don't know how to handle things and sometimes have a desperate need to run away.  It's hard to give impartial advice when you are in the thick of it, so I just gave the unedited version of reality.  I wonder what he and his partner will decide. Parenthood is so special but it is not for everyone and I believe it should not be entered into lightly.  

And now onto food. Whilst together lovely brother went for lunch in one of my favourite cafes and had the most delectable burgers - smoky black bean and beetroot.  They were wholesome and healthy but very tasty and I will try to recreate them at home - recipe to follow soon!  I have also sampled a tofu and cashew burger at the same place which was delicious.  I have had some baking successes recently including carrot and chocolate cake,  raspberry bakewell cake and chocolate brownies. I will share some new recipes soon.

 

A lot has been happening recently but I will try to resurrect the blog and add some photos,  recipes and more musings.

Should I stay or should I go?

It's been a tough week. Fevers have flourished,  snot has poured,  nights have been broken and tantrums have reigned. I have been screamed at for such long periods I am surprised that the screamers can still speak and I can still hear. I have been bitten,  pummeled, pushed, scratched and jumped on. The dog ("Wobble"), has looked on in forlorn bemusement.  She has missed out on walks. I have tried to be a model of calm, sympathetic motherhood, but failed many times. It has been relentless. Now it is Saturday,  there is no work for Mr Green so he has taken Wobble to the beach with Middle child and Littlest (known henceforth as Apple and Sausage respectively). I am home with Firstborn (AKA Cheese) and the messy kitchen.

It has got to the point where I am feeling claustrophobic and ratty and need some space. Mr Green has offered to have the children for the day so I can go out and 'be'. This is a lovely offer,  and I should jump at the chance,  but I know he has had a busy week at work and seems to be coming down with the dreaded lurgy. I have therefore stalled in my decision making and after a slow start to the morning it is now lunch time and I am nowhere near ready to go anywhere!  Go, I must however.  Everyone needs space and I have decided I must get out for the rest of the day. Today is one of those difficult January anniversaries I mentioned in an earlier post - the most difficult in fact. I will go and be and Mr Green will cope admirably. Then I can come back to the bosom of the family with renewed positivity.  Hopefully. . .

I apologise for the gloomy mood of this post but I hope to be rid of the January blues soon. Why not take a moment to comment and let me know what you do to lift your spirits or deal with tantrums.  It would be nice to know who is out there :-).

Smile and the world smiles with you..

I still seem to be grumpy today,  partly due to cabin fever with a house full of fluey children and partly due to sleep deprivation,  as well as the January slump. I have lost my mojo and extreme inertia has set in. But, slowly throughout the day my energy levels have increased, I have dispensed calpol and cuddles and improved the state of the house along with Mr Green.  Despite being a bit scared of the dark I took the dog out so Mr Green didn't have to. I started thinking about my January strategy and life in general. I am saddened every day by the bad things that happen in the world. I am always counting my blessings and appreciate my lot in life. I would like to do more to help others,  but don't always know what I can do. But I always try to be kind and compassionate. Although it is a small thing, I always try to smile at people and be polite and courteous.  I teach my children these values too. I am far from perfect but feel so much better about the world when I know I have done my best. When I have smiled at people in the street,  offered my assistance to those who may need it, thanked the shop assistant, sent a friend a good luck message.  Maybe if everyone smiled more and were a little less selfish there would be fewer bad things happening.  Smile,  give, hug, help, forgive, live. Make the most of the life you get and take opportunities.  Get off your bum and do something useful ;-).